THE RULES (of instagram)

...because we all have obligations to our followers (and I have lots of spare time).

-Selfies: all that anyone really wants to see...keep a solid 2:1 ratio of self orchestrated pictures vs any of that other crap (besides food, everyone loves #eeeats just as much as they love seeing your best duck face pose)

-"LIKE": a simple tap with so much meaning.

    -when its your best friend; always like even when you don't (or they forgot to invite you)

    -when its an X; like family photos only (to remind them of that fabulous thanksgiving you spent together)

    -when its that individual you hate; like when they look fat (but seriously, why are you even following this account?)

    -when you know your friend hates him/her; refer to the above

    -when its a misc account; be cautious of liking too many dogs, babies, cute kids and dream destinations at a time...your followers will see (and judge)

-"LIKE" your own pictures (during prime hours when you know it will attract attention of more "LIKES")

-Ratios: keep a comfortable distance between the amount of people you follow vs those that follow you. (you've made it big when you're solely followed, not following)

-Draw conclusions; if she hasn't posted his picture in a while, they're over (so call your friends and let them know)

-Make sure everyone knows you went to that concert/party/restaurant by posting multiple #latergrams in the morning (because, lets be honest, you weren't there if you didn't post it)

-The privacy button: make your page public every once in a while for random internet creeps to view in hopes to gain new followers (or show off that moment)

-The travel pictures: make sure everyone knows where you are (or everyone knows where you want them to think you are)

-Make sure you answer any pending comments so your public knows you care (and everyone knows who made your skirt)

-Be careful not to abuse the hashtag, tag what is important and deserving (unless you #hashtag #it #all..#which #indefinitely #leads #to #social #suicide)

-Don't pick up too many new followers at once; people will see (and totally think you're a loser)

-Do follow accounts that are educational and intellectually stimulating (this includes, but is not limited to, Miley Cyrus, Kim K and every Victoria Secret model)

-Watch out for the "insta hole",  your blood circulation will fail you after excessive scrolling and once you start you can't stop (making the app an embarrassing social buffer)